There’s no way around it — lead a team, a project, a company, a family, or a nation long enough, …and sooner or later there will be something to apologize for. Strive as you may for excellence, no individual or organization is perfect. Mistakes will be made — and as a leader, no matter the source of the snafu, the buck stops with you.
How to Apologize the WRONG Way
Let’s face it — no self-respecting man enjoys admitting a mistake and saying he’s sorry. It feels contrary to our nature. We fear a loss of respect — perhaps even a mutiny of the troops we need to listen to us. Ironically, a well-stated, sincere apology often has the opposite effect.
Of course, well-stated and sincere are the key words, here. Far too many men choose never to state an apology at all, because they think it’s unmanly
- “I’m sorry, I only did/said that because…[insert justification, blame, etc.]” …this guy needs to make up his mind …is he taking responsibility, or isn’t he?
- “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me…[insert humble statement of self-pity]” …this guy is being manipulative — now, the offended person’s job is to console him and reassure him that he’s a good guy.
- “I’m sorry ‘if’ I offended you.” …this is the most insidious of them all, because it really sounds like it could be sincere… meanwhile, “offended you” implies that the person may be just being a little over-sensitive, …and “if” implies that the whole thing may not have even happened!
How a Real Man Apologizes
The simple key to apologizing like a real man:
- Apologize only when you really *mean* it.
The pseudo-apologies above are what you hear when someone who’s not really sorry, tries to appear like he is. A truly powerful man has no need to represent himself in any other way than how he really is. If you honestly feel no regret, never apologize. Stand up for who you truly are. Insincerity is unmanly.
Granted, sometimes sincerity isn’t easy. As an example, what if you accidentally backed over your wife or girlfriend’s cat in the driveway, …but you hated the cat? What if you’re not genuinely feeling as much sorrow as someone else thinks you should be feeling? This is where you’ll need to keep your cojones.
- Most men fake it, telling themselves: “Hey, I’m just trying to keep her happy.”
There’s only one problem with faking sorrow: …you’re not fooling anyone. She knows it, and more importantly, you know it. Your stock is plummeting in the respect department with every second you hold her gaze, trying to look sincere.
The more powerful course of action is to re-direct your focus to what you are sorry about. In the example above, you would express your sympathy for the way she must be feeling, since you know she loved that cat. You would avoid any insincere references to the cat.
[By the way, if your wife or girlfriend ever loses a pet and you find yourself unable to feel any real empathy for her, you may want to check yourself against this wiki. That's not meant to be a joke -- it's a treatable condition.]
The appropriate things to say will come more naturally when you reserve your apologies for things you sincerely regret. In both business and personal life, a sincere apology should touch on the following points:
- A clear acknowledgement of what you did wrong,
- A sympathetic acknowledgement of the damage the mistake has caused,
- A description of the steps you are taking to fix it, resolve it, or prevent a repeat.
As you apologize, observe yourself closely — and avoid any tendency to justify, shift blame, exaggerate, or fish for pity.
Bottom line: Stay real. Never fake it. People know a sincere apology when they hear one …and they’ll respect you for it. ~ Steve Thompson
Related Product: